Letting go of fear to find joy: out of the deepest darkness comes the greatest joy

“Write from your heart, Cyndi. Write from truth,” I heard a little voice say when I sat down to write.

I wish I could tell you this was a time of joy for me. I wish I could rest in the “all is wellness” that is. From truth, it is a time of great sadness. A time of transition, a time of growth, a time of transformation. A time to blossom into the being I am destined to become.

I carry many burdens these days; burdens of grief. I practice noticing and letting it be. As I shift my focus, some days, it feels like too great a challenge. The practice is so intense. The practice feels exhausting. I know deep in my soul that I am meant to learn from this. I am meant to use the pain to grow.

I understand the universe is giving me the contrast I need; giving me the lessons I need to become the best version of myself. These lessons are the gems. These lessons are the gifts of life. Transmuting the pain means I am able to feel the greatest joy. I understand and always come to gratitude for the gifts I receive. Yet while I am in the lesson, while my ego still perceives these gifts as struggle, I suffer.

Shifting into gratitude for those gems is a new habit for me. Some moments, hours and even days, I am still practiced in the habitual vibration of stress and seeing what is unwanted. To heal, to feel better, to expand, I must emit a higher vibration.

I must focus on what is wanted.

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That new story challenges the familiarity of my ego. That is how I thrive and feel better. It’s how I turn my life toward ease instead of resting in fear.

The fear story is so practiced. It seems so real. I get so deeply attached to it some days that I believe the ego. I believe it is me. I believe the struggle and lack the strength to let it go.

Some days, it’s more comfortable to be in hell because that is what I know. The familiarity is soothing. The attachment is strong. On days when my awareness grows stronger, I detach from the fear story and soothe myself with my thinking and self care practices.

The fear story is not me—it’s not who I am. Why does my mind continue with these fearful thoughts? Why am I so attached to that suffering?

Stop those fearful thoughts, stop the suffering.

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“It’s OK to let go, my love,” I silently whispered to myself.

Who would I be without that fear? Can I see the golden light of the sun kiss the glowing colors of the falling autumn leaves? Can I hear my son’s infectious laugh and let his smile fill my heart? Or is my suffering, my past wounds, my ego comparing and self-loathing more important?

Can I shift into the now where the past and future dissolve? Am I ready to be free? Am I ready to create, let things be and invite in the stream of well-being the universe has for me? Can I forget what is and just breathe into the possibility of what will be?

We are on the brink of joy. I feel it. This sadness will pass. It’s okay that we are in transition and I have never been so uncomfortable. I graciously breathe into it and know it is for my expansion.

I’m receiving exactly what I asked for. The storm before the calm. I must trust. I must. Forgiving and releasing these old patterns will bring all that I desire to me. I wonder if I’m strong enough. I wonder if I will make it. And then I remember I’m not alone and my guides will see me through. I am loved and cared for. Thank you thank you thank you.

“The only way to make sense of change, is to plunge into it, live with it and join the dance.”
– Alan Watts