I would pick up a yoga magazine, looking for new information and inspiration. I’d admire the cover model, gracefully posed with the most stylish, trendy outfit and a smile on her face, making it all look so easy.
I would flip open the magazine and see mostly women, in colorful, tight clothes, striking super-bendy poses, basking in the sunshine and couldn’t help but think “I want to look like that one day. If only I practice more, I could look like that too…”
Then, I’d sigh, as reality sunk in.
I knew I would have sharp pain in my knee if I bent it that way and that my hips and hamstrings just weren’t open enough to hold that pose before getting into pain and injury.
I would remember my body’s restrictions and my ego would try to convince me there was something wrong with me and my practice.
I would gaze at the goddess-like poses and start to beat myself up because I thought I would never have that epic, super-bendy picture of me on an exotic beach or mountaintop.
These photos made me think that I needed to show off how bendy I could be, even if it put me in pain, to prove I was a good enough yogi and teacher. “If only I could get my leg over my head…” I thought, spiraling down into self-loathing.
This was the vicious cycle that used to play out in my head, especially when I was overweight.
But… wait a minute… gazing upon all of these self-serving, egocentric yoga photos, I quickly come back to reality. I come back to what yoga means to me.
What yoga is not about
For me, yoga is not about a photo of me in a bikini, doing some crazy arm balance on an idyllic Costa Rican beach.
Yoga is about healing.
It’s about finding my way on my own path, about shedding a painful past and co-creating an abundant future.
Yoga is also about helping to transform lives
It’s about making personal connections with my students, and helping them find the path to their own healing.
Though I admire those with an advanced practice, I do realize that those advanced poses are not for the majority.
Major transformation can happen even in the simplest of poses, and even with physical limitations. I have experienced it with my own practice, and I witness it daily with my students.
Yoga is an inward journey
What matters in our practice is our dedication to journeying inward and discovering what we’re willing to face, what belief we’re ready to let go or change, and what we’re ready to release and move through.
True transformation comes from a willingness to go deeper, no matter what the starting or ending point.
My practice has taught me many things, two of which are acceptance and compassion; especially of who I am, exactly as I am, and for where I am.
Though at times I feel restricted in my body and mind, I remember that each of us is unique; no set of life circumstances or bodies are the same.
This is the body I live in.
This is the body I worked so hard to bring back to health.
Uniting acceptance and compassion with a mind-body connection rescued me from the dark depths of depression, anxiety, addiction and obesity, and brought me back from the brink of death.
Connecting to my breath and the life force that roars inside of me connects me to feeling.
I remember the hell my body had been through before I found yoga.
I ground myself in the present moment, cherishing how far I’ve come.
I accept that my body has limitations and also that it’s perfectly OK.
When I practice, this perfectly imperfect body guides me deeply to heal and forgive my almost unbelievable past.
I don’t need to put my leg behind my head to connect to myself.
Perhaps more importantly, I realize that, because of my skeletal and muscular structure, I may never get there. And that’s OK.
I don’t need to balance on my head in order to change my perspective to look within.
I don’t need the latest, greatest and most expensive yoga outfit to unite body, mind and spirit on my sacred inward journey.
Sure, part of me would love to be posed gracefully and stylishly, in the most advanced poses. Then I realize what matters more: that I am happy to keep practicing daily—even when I don’t want to—and to keep going deeper, no matter what it looks like.
I believe and teach my students that yoga is not supposed to be about what it looks like, but about how it feels. Sure, there is such a thing as proper alignment, but thinking that two bodies could look exactly alike is unrealistic.
I feel like this is the slippery slope that yoga magazines have us sliding down.
The message being sent to yogis everywhere is that this is yoga and this is what it should look like, and if you don’t look like this, you’re not doing it right.
Yoga is not about the exterior world
It’s our internal world where we find acceptance, peace and happiness.
In fact, caring about what the outside world thought was what led me to a life of depression, anxiety and despair in the first place.
What I wear doesn’t matter.
What I look like in the pose doesn’t matter.
What does matter is my ability to connect with my breath and journey to the internal wisdom of my heart, that guides me toward healing.
Thank you for this timely reminder. I too felt I was slipping away from the true meaning of yoga. I have an audition next Wednesday at a very trendy studio. I haven’t taught for a few years. I have kept up my practice though because I love my yoga. I was beginning to obsess about what I would wear for this audition. And concerned that I am overweight. But so what? I am 61 years old, healthy and happy. I have a positive attitude that is due to my personal journey through life. Much of that because of yoga – its going to be okay. I may not look elegant in my gear. Yet, my teaching is to empower people to be their best selves and to find contentment and joy in the their life practice- both on and off the mat. I believe there is a lot of wisdom in those of us who have been practicing for many years. Its not a fitness program for me. Its a lovely Spiritual journey. There is great joy in it.
Namaste – Lucille (theyogayou)
Thanks for your comment, Lucille!
I understand that studios want to see what kind of teacher you are (here, we call it “demoing a class”), but it really bothers me that it’s called an audition! That being said, I guess, in many ways you are auditioning, putting your best foot forward, and showing what you have to offer. I think if you go into that room and be yourself, comfortable in your own skin, that will resonate and inspire. If they are going to judge you negatively on what you’re wearing, what you look like, or your age, then perhaps it’s not the right studio for you anyway.
Good luck! May you be free from pain and suffering, may you be happy and healthy. Namaste and many blessings.
I read your writings in awe. You are a great inspiration to me.
I am a man which has been labeled as having OCD, depression and various anxiety disorders and have been on meds for years. I have also fought the battle with alcohol to self medicate to dull the pain I felt inside.
A few years ago I found yoga and meditation. I can not begin to put in to words how these practices have truely transformed my life.
I now am on the lowest dose possible of one anxiety med and I resolve this year to be off it completely.
Recently my meditation practices have been inconsistent, which once were a daily part of my life.
Your words reinforce and strengthen my desire to seek the return of daily practice for it is then when I can face life more open and honestly.
I realize it all starts here with this one breath for anything other than that is uncertain.
I am a person of deep feelings and few words, and I’ve always struggled with words to convey my true feelings.
Again, I look to you and your words as an inspiration so that I can begin to not only live life, but to feel it to.
John
ps I hesitate hitting the send key thinking that non of this makes sense.
John,
I’m so happy you hit the send button!! Thank you so much for sharing yourself in such an honest way. I’m happy to hear that you’re reminded of how these practices can help dramatically improve our lives. Change is difficult, but having yoga and meditation on our side gives us the strength to face our fears and work toward something better. The beauty of meditation and yoga is that they will always be there when you’re ready. I will continue to write, and hope you will continue to read. Wishing you the best of luck with your goal this year! May you be free from pain and suffering, may you have peace, inner strength and wisdom. May you be happy and healthy. Deep peace and gratitude.
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